Kalyanam Chronicles

Indian matrimonial scene has always been a field for laughs and amusement.

The day you celebrate your 21st birthday, you are doomed. All of a sudden all the 1658753 people around you will take sudden interest in your life. They will be eager to know when you are getting married. If you think their concern in your life ends with you getting hitched, then you could not be more wrong. They will be eager to know when you are going to have a baby. People I tell you, sigh!

It is not just their unwarranted concern that irks you. It is their actions to affirm that concern that annoys you more. One fine morning, you would find yourself added to some random stupid page on Facebook titled “So and So matrimony”. Why? So that you could end up bumping into your soulmate through their parents who are hunting for a bride. One would feel like deleting their Facebook page and going into hiding for eternity.

It is not any different for me either. Same blaaaad wonly!

It is almost a year now that I have been nudged to look through matrimonial profiles and let me tell you, it is not funny. Not one bit funny. Based on my little or whatsoever experience, let me tell you what goes on in my mind during the entire time period, apart from the very obvious “Please leave me alone”.

  1. Matrimonial Profile

This is the inevitable identity mark of people sailing in my boat. Now I cannot speak of how the girls profile look like, but I can speak from the side of a girl on how the guy’s profile looks like to me and what it implies to the beholder.

As a person who is putting himself up for marriage, I would expect a little bit of” owning up” from the guy himself. I mean, a few lines from your own fingertip would suffice, bro. Do you have any idea what a turn off it is to see the first line itself as “Profile created for son”. ? I guess you don’t.

What is even  more ridiculous is that the stuff typed in the space indicated as “A few words about yourself”. It is not cool to see “My son is a responsible and friendly man who is looking for a suitable life partner”in that space, you know? Words have meanings and they intend to convey something.

Also, please oh please upload a proper picture of yours, where you look good. I do hope you understand that this is a matrimonial page and you have to be presentable. I once chanced upon a guy who had uploaded a pic where he was hiding his face with his hand. I get that candid shots can be awesome but do have some sense. What am I supposed to get by seeing your hand??? ( NO FRIGGIN PUN INTENDED)

      2. Be confident about your life choices

I had opted for “Social drinking acceptable”in the column where partner preferences are listed, although smoking would be a no-no. My mom lost it.She got crazy and this is exactly how the conversation  between us went after she read that.

Mom- Enna di idhu? Kudikaaran naalum okay nu ezhudirukke? ( What is this? You seem to have written an okay for drunkards)

Me- Huh? Enna pesrel? Social drinking and being a drunkard is different. 

Mom- Adhukkaaga? Adelam thappu. Change pannu. Write “Never Drunk”there. 

Me- Ei. Enoda preference idhu. I don’t mind of my guy is gonna have an occasional drink. You can add your preference in your matrimony profile. *Cheeky grin*

Mom- Eruma! See? This is why you are getting interests from drunkards. 

Me- Yeah right! Po ma. Chumma edaadhum solladhengo. 

I don’t understand the fuss really. As far as I have known and met people, guys who stay away from homes and are independent would (in all 99% probability) tasted a drink or two. I appreciate people being open and honest about it, instead of covering it up with glittery stuff. I like my guy to know his limits and be a man about it. Hence these types of profiles just don’t  click with me.

      3. Domesticated bride

Ha ha. This one is hilarious. I happened to stumble upon a profile in one of those exclusive magazines saying “Well domesticated bride wanted”. For a moment, I could not believe what I was reading.

images

This is how I reacted when I read that word 😀

Apart from fair, tall, slim, good looking, good cook and a hundred other criteria, this one was the epic one. I do have a kind and humble request to make. When you are hunting for a bride, please polish your words and choose your language carefully. It means a million things to us. If you cannot be civil in a paragraph, you won’t be civil in any of the intricate details that comes after the basic procedures of matrimonial hunting. Beware please.

     4. The players

There was this one guy who I had liked in the usual matrimony profile surfing activity. I had also got an interest from him after which we proceeded to exchange interests and horoscopes. One thing led to another and it came to the stage where the phone number of his father reached us and we called to initiate talks.

What then happened was memorable. The father of the guy was totally unaware of his son’s profile doing the rounds in the matrimonial sites. Even funnier was his response that implied that he was not looking to get his son married for the next two years and he does not know how we stumbled upon his profile. 😀

We ran far, we ran fast.

     5. The impatient ones

There was another incident. We got an interest from a family which seemed to have a decent background and all. The patriarch of that family called some 563 times all through the day and literally tortured my father to take things forward. It came to the point where photos were to be exchanged and after my photo was sent, there was conspicuous silence from their side. ( Not that I am horrendous in pictures). My father, being the father who has borne the brunt of all these phone call torture for 24 hours ( Yeah, 563 times in one day), called the granddad up and enquired about it. He was given the phone number of the guy’s mom and instructed to speak to her to know the reason for the silence. My dad did too. Now comes the twist.

The lady ends up saying that the guy needs a qualified girl and not someone who is still studying. That’s it. My dad lost it! He just blasted her and the patriarch off with the most decent words and left it at that.

I for once felt happy to have not gotten hitched to that moron, who could not even spend time to read my damned profile completely.  It is right there in it that I am giving my exams soon. I am thankful that I escaped from that blinded moron.

While all these happened, I stayed at my haven, munching popcorn, listening to my amma fuming over the phone and offering her a consoling shoulder, as a dutiful daughter. Ain’t I an angel (wings included) or what? 😉

*So far, so good. These are my chronicles in the span of one year. I would like to listen to yours too.

*People who say that I am being judgemental and marching towards me with all weapons, please, the moment you chose to choose your spouse from a matrimonial profile of 100 words, you are judgemental too. So you better back off. 

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The Liberation

It was a normal day at work but for a few surprising phone calls that shook her insides.

I miss you 

His voice kept resonating in her mind. She was thinking as why he had called her after a while and after all this time. She had given him plenty of chances and even had told him that she loved him. He was not ready to listen to her then.

The past two months had been tough for her. Crying her throat out when he was dancing away in his own wedding was not a lovely sight. She did not want to remember those scenes.

She reached the parking lot of her building and started her vehicle to ride back home, while all of these reverberating in her.

I still love you

This sentence gave her the chills. This was one line that she had wanted from him forever. She had been disappointed time and again by him that she had to move on. She put an end to these distressing thoughts and plugged in her earphones and started her ride. “I have to call Amma after I reach home”, she thought, whizzing her way between scores of commuters on the road.

Kaisee teri khudgarzee
Na dhoop chune na chhaanv
Kaisee teri khudgarzee
Kisi thaur tike na paanv” 

sang the voice from the earphones. She smiled to herself thinking of the way she had come. His thoughts, his images, his impressions, everything ran in her mind that day. Her smile got better, this time with drops of tears to accompany it. She was thankful that she was on the road, with her face covered with the duppatta. She was a free soul, she knew that too well.

Re Kabeera maan jaa
Re Fakeera maan jaa
Aa jaa tujh ko pukaaray teri parchhaaiyaan
Re Kabira maan jaa
Re Fakeera maan jaa
Kaisa tu hai nirmohee kaisaa harjaaiyaa

The people in the sidewalk rushed towards her. One man collected her scattered belongings while a woman tried to make her face the sky. Many others picked out their phones to dial the ambulance. The policeman reached the spot soon and started regulating the traffic  to avoid snarls.

A gentleman from the crowd searched for her mobile to dial to her parents. He found it tucked somewhere inside her bag, connected to a pair of earphones.

Her body was still hot and her face was still wet with tears. She had left the world, forlorn, with him as her final thoughts, just as she had wished for.

The Seven Commandments of Snooze

Most of us know that one thing we do every morning. It is an essential chore which makes us feel better that instant and yet feel equally, if not more, guilty later in the day. This has been the greatest invention of technology since the Telephone. An essential add on to the alarm application in our phones and the one that works harder than an alarm.

It is the SNOOZE button.

There were days when I was mercilessly woken up by the annoying alarm of Nokia 1100. It just didn’t shut up without shaking me up from the comfort of my bed. Days passed and here I am, again in the same phase of life, where I am dependent on an Alarm to wake up. Invariably I end up being dependent on the snooze option more than the alarm itself.

My experiences with the snooze option are colourful and I have come to realise or rather understand a few rules, if I was to snooze. The below described commandments are not the work of fiction and are arrived at by carefully analysing and interpreting the results of many episodes of self-deprecating and insulting events. Hence, these commandments must not be laughed at or shrugged off.

  1. Thou shalt not set the snooze option for more than six minutes– Scientific research has concluded that an appropriate snooze is of six minutes duration. This cap on six minutes is because five is too mainstream and anything over and above six might as well be rounded off to ten. Ten minutes for a snooze will directly translate to a nap, which insults the “Snooze”option and render it redundant.
  2. Thou shalt not snooze the alarm for more than thrice on any single morning– Apart from substituting that “Morning” with any appropriate time of the day,this rule is crucial. Carefully documented results of experiments conducted with innumerable samples show that snoozing the alarm for more than thrice ruins the day. This is because of the fact that eighteen minutes of sleep is not really “sleep”but a “slumber” (Refer previous point). People who have overslept have rarely reached their office on time and if at all they defy gravity and reach on time, they have proven to be capable of absolutely nothing that day which translates to promotion with raise.
  3. Thou shalt not claim your bathroom slot– This point will be familiar to many out there, who, like me, stay away from homes. This is how lives happen to us every morning. We follow a stringent bathroom schedule ( Isn’t this very much Sheldon Cooper-y?), since we have one bathroom for about 57483 inmates (Of course I am exaggerating a little). So the moment we take time for granted, we are doomed. We are mercilessly pushed to the very end of a long line of buckets that occupy the space in front of the bathroom door. End result- refer previous point regarding promotion and raise at work.
  4. Thou shalt fast unto “God-knows-when” – This is also relevant for people in hostels/PGs/ homes with strict parents. Missing to wake up on time shall translate into “no food available and hence go and eat something in the office cafeteria” day. Tasteless, stale food, no food etc are also impacts of the incident.
  5. Thou shalt not remain guilt-free about this– Yes! Snooze button will make us feel guilty and hate ourselves for the entire day. Until we wake up the next day, on time, this guilt will nag us from within and make us feel even more guilty for having felt guilty in the first place. This rule applies on a stronger magnitude especially if you are raised in homes where sleeping is considered to be the famed 8th sin along with the conventional seven.
  6. Thou shalt be exhausted and tired– If you think snooze will help you wake up fresher, then you couldn’t be more wrong ( even after the effects of all those exes, which apparently were bad decisions, put together). Snooze will leave us with a concussed memory and a hangover worse than the one after a bad mix of vodka and minute maid.
  7. Thou shalt end up wasting the entire day– This is an epic result of the snooze action. If you think you could wake up after one thousand snoozes and still make a productive day, then I am sorry to break that bubble. Snoozing will somehow incapacitate you and will make you more useless than you actually are. This is a claim after zillions of feed backs sourced from trusted and experienced people all around the globe.
  8. Thou shalt not ignore any of the above commandments and laugh them off– This is a crucial commandment that one must remember even if one dares to forget all of the above commandments. I am just kidding! This is a joke line that I inserted as the last one because well I had snoozed my alarm this morning and have nothing better to do today.

In short, Snooze button is like

  • the lover of your best friend- you think he/she is better than the life you have got, but pursuing him/her will cause your ultimate downfall.
  • cheat-food that you have during a diet regime. Tasty at first and yet you will see yourself whining over that ugly flab that make you look 30 years older than you actually are.
  • that particular professor who is on time exactly on that day when you opt to a little late, making you stand outside the class and refuse to give attendance for the day.
  • the parent who catches you the moment you think you are safe with your mischief. Mischief can never be managed with them, you see.

 

 

 

Reethigowlai- The Mellow Mistress, an adorable anomaly

Music is more a language than an art. It conveys and is capable of expressing thousands of emotions which we might not be able to express by words or actions.

While there are many ragams to be explored and drowned in, may I let the beautiful “Reethigowlai” take the stage today?

Reethigowlai is one of those ragams, which are soft by nature. Used widely to depict the emotions of divinity, love and cajoling, this ragam is a hit. Many people will be familiar with the undertones of this since this is easy to follow and sing or hum along.

Born out of the legendary “Karaharpriya”, Reethigowlai has therapeutic properties too. It is known that this ragam gives a lot of calm and clarity to the cluttered mind, when sung or heard with absolute focus.

Two of the famous compositions in this ragam is “Guruvayoorappane Appan, Sree Krishnan” and “Enna Punniyam Seideno” composed by the legend Shri Uthukadu Venkata Subbaiyar.

The piece “Enna Punniyam” rendered by Bombay Sisters, is one of my all time favorites, which soothes me to a great extent.

The Tamil filmdom is a big fan of this ragam, using it extensively to depict love and admiration of ones love and beauty.

The famous song, Kangal irandal, from the movie Subramanyapuram is weaved on this ragam.

This is one another hit song of AR Rahman, detailing the beauty of the lady by the male lead.

Another number of the same thread of reethigowlai, rendered by Shri.Unnikrishnan.

This raagam is perfect to listen to when in solitude. Just oneself, silence and some apt volume with reethigowlai playing away in its glory.