The Seven Commandments of Snooze

Most of us know that one thing we do every morning. It is an essential chore which makes us feel better that instant and yet feel equally, if not more, guilty later in the day. This has been the greatest invention of technology since the Telephone. An essential add on to the alarm application in our phones and the one that works harder than an alarm.

It is the SNOOZE button.

There were days when I was mercilessly woken up by the annoying alarm of Nokia 1100. It just didn’t shut up without shaking me up from the comfort of my bed. Days passed and here I am, again in the same phase of life, where I am dependent on an Alarm to wake up. Invariably I end up being dependent on the snooze option more than the alarm itself.

My experiences with the snooze option are colourful and I have come to realise or rather understand a few rules, if I was to snooze. The below described commandments are not the work of fiction and are arrived at by carefully analysing and interpreting the results of many episodes of self-deprecating and insulting events. Hence, these commandments must not be laughed at or shrugged off.

  1. Thou shalt not set the snooze option for more than six minutes– Scientific research has concluded that an appropriate snooze is of six minutes duration. This cap on six minutes is because five is too mainstream and anything over and above six might as well be rounded off to ten. Ten minutes for a snooze will directly translate to a nap, which insults the “Snooze”option and render it redundant.
  2. Thou shalt not snooze the alarm for more than thrice on any single morning– Apart from substituting that “Morning” with any appropriate time of the day,this rule is crucial. Carefully documented results of experiments conducted with innumerable samples show that snoozing the alarm for more than thrice ruins the day. This is because of the fact that eighteen minutes of sleep is not really “sleep”but a “slumber” (Refer previous point). People who have overslept have rarely reached their office on time and if at all they defy gravity and reach on time, they have proven to be capable of absolutely nothing that day which translates to promotion with raise.
  3. Thou shalt not claim your bathroom slot– This point will be familiar to many out there, who, like me, stay away from homes. This is how lives happen to us every morning. We follow a stringent bathroom schedule ( Isn’t this very much Sheldon Cooper-y?), since we have one bathroom for about 57483 inmates (Of course I am exaggerating a little). So the moment we take time for granted, we are doomed. We are mercilessly pushed to the very end of a long line of buckets that occupy the space in front of the bathroom door. End result- refer previous point regarding promotion and raise at work.
  4. Thou shalt fast unto “God-knows-when” – This is also relevant for people in hostels/PGs/ homes with strict parents. Missing to wake up on time shall translate into “no food available and hence go and eat something in the office cafeteria” day. Tasteless, stale food, no food etc are also impacts of the incident.
  5. Thou shalt not remain guilt-free about this– Yes! Snooze button will make us feel guilty and hate ourselves for the entire day. Until we wake up the next day, on time, this guilt will nag us from within and make us feel even more guilty for having felt guilty in the first place. This rule applies on a stronger magnitude especially if you are raised in homes where sleeping is considered to be the famed 8th sin along with the conventional seven.
  6. Thou shalt be exhausted and tired– If you think snooze will help you wake up fresher, then you couldn’t be more wrong ( even after the effects of all those exes, which apparently were bad decisions, put together). Snooze will leave us with a concussed memory and a hangover worse than the one after a bad mix of vodka and minute maid.
  7. Thou shalt end up wasting the entire day– This is an epic result of the snooze action. If you think you could wake up after one thousand snoozes and still make a productive day, then I am sorry to break that bubble. Snoozing will somehow incapacitate you and will make you more useless than you actually are. This is a claim after zillions of feed backs sourced from trusted and experienced people all around the globe.
  8. Thou shalt not ignore any of the above commandments and laugh them off– This is a crucial commandment that one must remember even if one dares to forget all of the above commandments. I am just kidding! This is a joke line that I inserted as the last one because well I had snoozed my alarm this morning and have nothing better to do today.

In short, Snooze button is like

  • the lover of your best friend- you think he/she is better than the life you have got, but pursuing him/her will cause your ultimate downfall.
  • cheat-food that you have during a diet regime. Tasty at first and yet you will see yourself whining over that ugly flab that make you look 30 years older than you actually are.
  • that particular professor who is on time exactly on that day when you opt to a little late, making you stand outside the class and refuse to give attendance for the day.
  • the parent who catches you the moment you think you are safe with your mischief. Mischief can never be managed with them, you see.

 

 

 

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