Kalyanam Chronicles

Indian matrimonial scene has always been a field for laughs and amusement.

The day you celebrate your 21st birthday, you are doomed. All of a sudden all the 1658753 people around you will take sudden interest in your life. They will be eager to know when you are getting married. If you think their concern in your life ends with you getting hitched, then you could not be more wrong. They will be eager to know when you are going to have a baby. People I tell you, sigh!

It is not just their unwarranted concern that irks you. It is their actions to affirm that concern that annoys you more. One fine morning, you would find yourself added to some random stupid page on Facebook titled “So and So matrimony”. Why? So that you could end up bumping into your soulmate through their parents who are hunting for a bride. One would feel like deleting their Facebook page and going into hiding for eternity.

It is not any different for me either. Same blaaaad wonly!

It is almost a year now that I have been nudged to look through matrimonial profiles and let me tell you, it is not funny. Not one bit funny. Based on my little or whatsoever experience, let me tell you what goes on in my mind during the entire time period, apart from the very obvious “Please leave me alone”.

  1. Matrimonial Profile

This is the inevitable identity mark of people sailing in my boat. Now I cannot speak of how the girls profile look like, but I can speak from the side of a girl on how the guy’s profile looks like to me and what it implies to the beholder.

As a person who is putting himself up for marriage, I would expect a little bit of” owning up” from the guy himself. I mean, a few lines from your own fingertip would suffice, bro. Do you have any idea what a turn off it is to see the first line itself as “Profile created for son”. ? I guess you don’t.

What is even  more ridiculous is that the stuff typed in the space indicated as “A few words about yourself”. It is not cool to see “My son is a responsible and friendly man who is looking for a suitable life partner”in that space, you know? Words have meanings and they intend to convey something.

Also, please oh please upload a proper picture of yours, where you look good. I do hope you understand that this is a matrimonial page and you have to be presentable. I once chanced upon a guy who had uploaded a pic where he was hiding his face with his hand. I get that candid shots can be awesome but do have some sense. What am I supposed to get by seeing your hand??? ( NO FRIGGIN PUN INTENDED)

      2. Be confident about your life choices

I had opted for “Social drinking acceptable”in the column where partner preferences are listed, although smoking would be a no-no. My mom lost it.She got crazy and this is exactly how the conversation  between us went after she read that.

Mom- Enna di idhu? Kudikaaran naalum okay nu ezhudirukke? ( What is this? You seem to have written an okay for drunkards)

Me- Huh? Enna pesrel? Social drinking and being a drunkard is different. 

Mom- Adhukkaaga? Adelam thappu. Change pannu. Write “Never Drunk”there. 

Me- Ei. Enoda preference idhu. I don’t mind of my guy is gonna have an occasional drink. You can add your preference in your matrimony profile. *Cheeky grin*

Mom- Eruma! See? This is why you are getting interests from drunkards. 

Me- Yeah right! Po ma. Chumma edaadhum solladhengo. 

I don’t understand the fuss really. As far as I have known and met people, guys who stay away from homes and are independent would (in all 99% probability) tasted a drink or two. I appreciate people being open and honest about it, instead of covering it up with glittery stuff. I like my guy to know his limits and be a man about it. Hence these types of profiles just don’t  click with me.

      3. Domesticated bride

Ha ha. This one is hilarious. I happened to stumble upon a profile in one of those exclusive magazines saying “Well domesticated bride wanted”. For a moment, I could not believe what I was reading.

This is how I reacted when I read that word 😀

Apart from fair, tall, slim, good looking, good cook and a hundred other criteria, this one was the epic one. I do have a kind and humble request to make. When you are hunting for a bride, please polish your words and choose your language carefully. It means a million things to us. If you cannot be civil in a paragraph, you won’t be civil in any of the intricate details that comes after the basic procedures of matrimonial hunting. Beware please.

     4. The players

There was this one guy who I had liked in the usual matrimony profile surfing activity. I had also got an interest from him after which we proceeded to exchange interests and horoscopes. One thing led to another and it came to the stage where the phone number of his father reached us and we called to initiate talks.

What then happened was memorable. The father of the guy was totally unaware of his son’s profile doing the rounds in the matrimonial sites. Even funnier was his response that implied that he was not looking to get his son married for the next two years and he does not know how we stumbled upon his profile. 😀

We ran far, we ran fast.

     5. The impatient ones

There was another incident. We got an interest from a family which seemed to have a decent background and all. The patriarch of that family called some 563 times all through the day and literally tortured my father to take things forward. It came to the point where photos were to be exchanged and after my photo was sent, there was conspicuous silence from their side. ( Not that I am horrendous in pictures). My father, being the father who has borne the brunt of all these phone call torture for 24 hours ( Yeah, 563 times in one day), called the granddad up and enquired about it. He was given the phone number of the guy’s mom and instructed to speak to her to know the reason for the silence. My dad did too. Now comes the twist.

The lady ends up saying that the guy needs a qualified girl and not someone who is still studying. That’s it. My dad lost it! He just blasted her and the patriarch off with the most decent words and left it at that.

I for once felt happy to have not gotten hitched to that moron, who could not even spend time to read my damned profile completely.  It is right there in it that I am giving my exams soon. I am thankful that I escaped from that blinded moron.

While all these happened, I stayed at my haven, munching popcorn, listening to my amma fuming over the phone and offering her a consoling shoulder, as a dutiful daughter. Ain’t I an angel (wings included) or what? 😉

*So far, so good. These are my chronicles in the span of one year. I would like to listen to yours too.

*People who say that I am being judgemental and marching towards me with all weapons, please, the moment you chose to choose your spouse from a matrimonial profile of 100 words, you are judgemental too. So you better back off. 

10 thoughts on “Kalyanam Chronicles

  1. Still waiting for the day when I will find a profile that does not read ‘traditional values with modern outlook’ or ‘lives in the present with an eye on the future’ Sigh!

  2. I have a fairly long experience at this so called effort of arranging a love marriage, caught between the discretion of people managing girl’s profiles and the astronomical heavenly bodies who are hell bent in reducing life in a box looking like a maze with no apparent solution to crack the code. I have a fertile ground of creative writing that I ve strengthened by writing 5-6 different versions in the about me section, currently populated by a poetry on my take on the matri mandir way of life, and they say poetry is ageless.

    1. And they say the box looking like a maze tends to get decoded by itself when you turn 30.

  3. Ha ha ha. I hear ya sista. Parent approved speed dating is a fun exercise. Matrimony site is the best place for HR to scan through payslips and figure out who wants to jump because they have to tie that knot.

    There are days when I feel like a guy is better off being Bruce Wayne. Sharp looking, rich like hell and an orphan. Coz most ppl want that.

    Its my favourite new hobby to troll potential future father in laws. I patiently sit thru the interview and do my best to not laugh really out loud. It’s a skill to exercise restraint against sarcasm.. And to me that’s like asking me to not breathe!!!!!

  4. This was funny. I mean the experience may have been not horrendous for you, but it made for a good read. I have not gone through the arranged marriage merry go round and am apprehensive of the same

  5. haha everything you wrote about matrimony is exactly what I’m experiencing!! I’ve gotten sooo many proposals and its not going anywhere. This is frustrating and ridiculous…dunno whats gonna happen. Parents are soo critical about brides and how the girls should be and all that ugh…btw, I’m also Tamil so hopefully we can stay in touch!

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