The Lost Innocence

And she hid herself behind the first object she could lay her hands on. It was the mirror that was hanging on the wall. She fervently hoped that she would be safe from the raining blows that was coming her way. She knew that pain. She knew that torment. She knew all that too well.

She was scared. For the first time in her life, she was scared. She had always had a soft spot for that man in her heart. She had always known that she was his sweet little princess. She had believed that he would never hurt her, ever. Not even when he kept beating her mommy. She always had trusted him to be innocent and naive, for he was the one who held her first, when she was born. It was him who brought her candies every other day. He had fulfilled each of her wishes. She still remembered the tight grip by which he held her hand while crossing the road. All of it ran through her mind’s eye, like a movie clip.

Things were not fine these days. She knew her mommy and daddy were fighting everyday. But she had thought it was out of love, because everytime she had asked him why he yelled at mommy, he had told her,” Darling, it is because I love mommy very much”. She had trusted him. His words.

Today it was the same old story. She had grown used to this scene of late. She had confined herself to her own world amidst all the commotion. Her world was that happy one, with her beloved daddy. Candies and happiness, smiles and funny faces, hugs and kisses filled her world. Today was just like any other day, she aloof and away, until..

“Daddy burst into the room and caught mommy by her hair. I have not seen him so much angry. May be it is because of me. Have I been a bad girl to him? Did I do something naughty that caused him trouble”? her thoughts ran wild.

In a split second, from between the gap in the curtains, she saw him staring at her. She thought his anger would fade away the instant he saw her face. That was what he had always told her. She gaped at him back with her scared, big, brown eyes. What she saw back scarred her for life.

All she could remember was he coming on to her, seething with rage. All she could do was to hide herself behind the mirror with an innocent whimper. All she could hope was that this would guard her from his fury.

She was scarred. For life. That moment defined her future for her. That moment showed the path on which she must walk.

She is now a social activist, fighting and pledging her life for abandoned and abused children. She is determined to not let any child face a trauma like she had. She cares for their innocence and well-being. Children are our future, is what she says.

When asked about her childhood, all she can remember is this incident. Her terrified life and childhood, much like the dark and deep woods as seen in the reflection.

“This Post has been submitted as my entry to Opening Line Writing Challenge by Ranvijai Ravi on Midnight Writing.”

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Morning Musing

love

 

On a cool Sunday morning, with the wind ruffling my hair

I stroll on the beach, looking far away.

Out in the bright,turquoise waters I see your face,

With the same charm that had set me ablaze.

That moment we met, and those memories we made

All fleet by, in seconds, in the eyes of my mind.

You made me laugh, you made me cry,

You made me walk that extra mile

Together we walked, counting the sand below our feet

Those endless musings and the hopeless dreams.

Fights, screams couldn’t do us apart,

How bad they tried, how hard they thought.

Here we are now, on that same beach

Holding hands and treading on.

Lost in each other, with smiles in our lips

For the past we had and the future we share.

It’s her turn now ;)

“Girls shouldn’t initiate”, they said.

“Wait till he approaches you”,they said.

“You will be labelled a slut and made an outcast”, they said.

She was confused. Confused as to what to do. Does the perception of the society about her matter at all? What if the society says something and she ends up doing exactly the opposite of it? Would it have any impact in the long run? All these thoughts played havoc in her already stressed mind. She had to tell him. She had to confess how much she feels connected when she talks with him. It is a level of comfort that she felt for him. It wasn’t anything cheesy or breezy.

She had her insecurities. She was as normal as any other girl out there,yet, she was so different from all of them. She wanted him to know what she felt about them. Oh,yes! It was suddenly “them” and not “him”. She loved the sound of it. It made her feel all good and positive about it.

It wasn’t a crush at all. Of the hundred other guys on whom she had crushes on, he was not one. Heck! He was nowhere in the list. Still she took the first step to talk. Just out of curiosity and genuine interest in his thoughts and perspectives. She hadn’t known she would be in a crossroad like this. She was growing up,may be. She was starting to get feelings for him, albeit very slowly. She was scared. Once bitten twice shy,they say.

They have had long,winding conversations to look back at. Many of it meaningful, some of them flirtatious. All of it gave her happiness and a sense of completion. She badly wanted to let him know what she felt about “them”. What if he rejects? She didn’t care. Somewhere in the dark and deep corners of her heart, she was prepared for yet another rejection.

Inspite of the raging devils of self-pity and doubts in her heart, she decided to confess and get done with it. “If it works out, well and good. Else, atleast I will get some closure”,she thought. She took her phone and dialled the number. It seemed like an eternity before he answered the call.

Him: Hey! Tell me da. What’s up?

Her: Hi da. Busy? Do you have 10 minutes?

Him: Yes, sure. Whats goin on?

Her: Ummm.. Listen, I don’t know if it is the right time to tell you this. I think we are great as friends and everything is fine between us. I also know that we have discussed about the possibility of “us” and that you fear the factor of distance that seperates us right now. I also know that you still remain unconvinced about it and whatever I say it doesn’t make much sense to you. I respect that. But…

Him: Babe..Babe.. Let me stop you.. Listen..

Her: Please let me complete yaar! 

Him: Fine. Go on Senorita.

Her: But as a girl who has known you for so long and who has spent quite a lot of time with you, I do not want to miss you in my life. I realise the importance that physical proximity for you, but I promise I shall be near you once things get settled. By saying “settled”,I do not mean marriage. I mean our studies and career. I would never want to be apart from you. I want this happiness that I get when I am talking to you, forever. I want to be a part of your life and share all the happiness and sorrows that you may be blessed with. I don’t want any other girl to take that spot. 

Him: Okayyyy..??

Her: So, ummmm, will you stop overthinking and be mine forever? 

Him: Pagli female! I was always yours! 😀 And hell Yes! Forever and ever. 

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To all those empowered women out there! Let’s break all cliches and rule the world. Love is magical and profound. Go ahead and tell that special guy how much you love and adore him. He will be grateful for these small bouts of equality bestowed on the world 😉

 

 

To You, From Your Girl

Heya Honeybunch!

3015841-candle-in-dark-room

I love you.

You might be wondering why I am telling this to you right now. Let me tell you why. It is because I do love you and will always do. It might be a month or two since we ended things but that impact is still fresh and alive in me. I can’t still believe that it is over but hey! love never ends. So I have decided to confess everything that I had felt for you, including what I may have  told and things that I may have not told you explicitly.

We found each other when Chennai was reeling under floods and hit it off in a matter of days. I never knew then that this would mean so much to me. Never did I think that we would come so far and then become strangers again. It all happened like a hurricane. Quick and devastatingly fast.

You were everything that I had ever dreamt of in a guy. Smart, funny, handsome, sarcastic, caring, everything and I know I was like that for you too. I saw you getting more and more comfortable with me, shedding your inhibitions ,opening your heart and baring your soul to me. I loved you with all I had then.

You took me to dinners and dates and made me feel all special and pampered. It was all strange for me,yet I enjoyed those moments completely. You stood by me when I was having a tough time in my career and pumped my hopes up when I was on the verge of giving up everything. You made me stay when all I wanted to do was leave and let everything go. I love you for that honey!

I remember every small detail that we had spoken over those midnight-untimely phone-calls. Everything from the economic recession to the name of our dog, all of it was out in the open. I admired you each moment we were together. Oh Yes! I altered my lifestyle for the better to make myself ready to be your companion of sorts. Heck, I even ended up googling about food and other cultural traits that were prominent in the region where you came from. I loved you so much!

I started seeing my future with you, albeit with a lot of hesitation. I had a colorful past of which you were never bothered. “Present is all that matters” ,you had said. I took it as a sign and went on dreaming our life, without even noticing how “my” had suddenly transformed to the most beautiful word,”our”. I loved “us”!

All of a sudden my world came crashing down to earth over a cuppa coffee. Oh! You remembered that I was fond of coffee, even though you knew that this time it was going to be the symbol of misery for me at that point. I never asked you the reason behind that. I will never want to know. I will not want to shatter those images of “us” that I had together drawn. Yes, I still loved “us”!

Now, it has been quite a while since that day and I still love my coffee. I do see you being happy in your own world and space and am proud of the way you have carried yourself all through this. I still believe that you were in love with me, just the way I was with you. I still am the same crazy-obnoxious girl, who is much fitter and probably much mature than who I was when we had met. You have given me reasons to practise the art of acceptance in life and not get scared to love anybody. I love you!

Don’t you want to ask me if I have moved on?

Well, May be. But you will always be that one person whom I would love to love and love to give second,third or innumerable shots at. Love is so much abstract. It comes with no reason. I saw that in “us” and I still am seeing that. You gave me hope and inspired me to be a better version of myself. I love you!

Baby, listen. I love you with my entire soul and would have been insanely happy if we had gotten together and grown old.I do understand that how much ever we try, certain things that are not meant to be, will never happen,ever. But, sweetheart, I do love you and I hope you know that.

Your Ever Loving,

Sweetheart.

*Written for “Write a love letter campaign by Chennai Bloggers Club”.

*Please do visit http://chennaibloggers.in/ 

*Image Source-Google

The Musical Enlightenment with Mr.Sanjay Subramaniam

The Hindu LitFest 2016 gave me an unforgettable opportunity to listen to literary geniuses talk and discuss about things that had had a huge impact on them, the issues that, in their view would go on to bring in a magnificent shift in the general structure of acceptance and non-acceptance etc.

The first session that I attended was titled “Sing My Song” which had the renowned Carnatic Music exponent, Mr.Sanjay Subramaniam in conversation with Ms. Nirmala Lakshmanan.

I have always had great regard on Mr.Sanjay Subramaniam and Ms. Vishaka Hari because I know them to be Chartered Accountants who had the drive to pursue what they loved and to break the stereotypes of being auditors and the hype surrounding it. (I know the hype and also the respect it commands in the society because I am one of them)

Starting off with talking about being awarded the “Sangeetha Kalanidhi” award, he spoke about the massive personal responsibility that has been served upon him. Of course that did not mean that he had altered his journey or destination based on the award. He was careful about not letting the influence of the award and the recognition that it brought to interfere in his already pursuing path of music.

     “Restriction breeds Creativity”

That was one of the prime take-aways that I had got from this session apart from the humour and cricket that was generously sprinkled. I found this statement from him to be very true and honest. In most of the cases, where there is restriction there will be rebellion. Most of the times such rebellion creates history. May be it is something to do with the human mind which is known to be complex and intricate. The mind is thirsty when it is deprived of something. The “yekkam” they say, is boundless during such situations. I have felt that personally and could relate to that statement in a more intimate fashion.

On the way the traditional carnatic music format is evolving, he says,” Art is never static” and that all art forms go through a phase of turbulence. Art is supposed to give rise to different feelings and opinions to different people. It is not science to be perceived in the same manner by everyone. True words, Sir!

An artist derives energy from his audience. That is a hundred percent true. An artist must be true to himself. He must be daring enough to take risks in his performance and to attempt improvisation.  He must be ready to accept and must be open minded enough to experiment and explore the hidden realms of the art that he fervently and reverently practices.

Also apart from the little thoughts on the Vivaadhi Concept, the prominence of Tamil Keerthanams in his concerts, the impiortance of the rapport with the accompanists and also about the general dilemma of the superiority of the Guru-Shishya mode of imparting musical education over the now-prevalent trend of Skype Classes, the one thing that made me admire him was his acceptance.

When one member from the audience asked if he has done anything at all to spread and increase the reach of carnatic music on a grassroot level (What the question-asker intended to know was if SS was going to schools and doing anything tangible to increase the awareness of carnatic music), SS was gracious and grounded enough to accept that he hasn’t done anything of that sort. I admired that quality in him. Instead of beating around the bush saying superficial things or adopting to shame the person who had asked such a question to him on a public platform, SS accepted it. It kind of felt that it all boiled down to one’s own choices and one need not try so hard to fit in to another’s definition of something. It implied, albeit silently, that one can be original and be unapologetic about it. In my words, to one his own.

I enjoyed the session mainly because of the energy that it gave me and also for the core ideas that I had in me when I walked out of the auditorium. A very good start to an awesome feast, I would say.

Lovespeak

That was the hundredth time that they were looking at each other.

They were at a Writer’s club meet and were not new to each other. They did meet every month,at the pretext of this event. Bonding over the latest topics on writing and publishing, hours and days went by. Numerous cups of coffees and fiery reviews of books later, they fell in love. With their own destinies and also with each other.

Or was it love at all?

There was no acknowledgement from either side. There were no discussion on this topic,ever. Was there a little bit of doubt,somewhere in those dark and inaccessible corners of their minds? Would they be better off if they actually discussed this? Had they placed undue reliance of the language that their eyes spoke?

The next scheduled meeting came and as usual the group chattered away in all its glory. His frantic and restless eyes swept over the room looking for the other pair. All those nooks and corners, among the ladies group that was obliviously chattering away, behind the refreshments counter etc. Nowhere was she to be seen. He grew anxious. So was it all an illusion? Was all those lovely memories that they had woven together,mere one-timers?

There they were. Those lovely pair of eyes that had stumped him. Those eyes that had spoken volumes about the admiration and respect they had for him. Those eyes that had shown concern during trying times. Today,he realised that those eyes also conveyed love. Total and Unadulterated love.

They realised the power of the language that the eyes spoke. They understood how much silence can convey if the hearts are in sync. It was at that moment,that precise moment, that the one particular Tirukkural hit them.

கண்ணொடு கண் இணை நோக்கு ஒக்கின், வாய்ச் சொற்கள்
என்ன பயனும் இல 1100

The words of the mouths are of no use whatever, when there is perfect agreement between the eyes (of lovers).

Smiling at each other and mindful of the bond that had been cemented, they moved to join the others. Little did the others know that an epic was unfolding among them, based on the couplet of the Greatest Symbol of Tamil Literature.

 

Momentary Magnetism

He was the hunk.
She was a non entity.

He was effervescent.
She was subdued.

He was a social butterfly.
She was a geek.

That was them. That was their build. Those were their traits. Both of them never missed an opportunity to steal a glance at each other. Neither did they speak of each other. Time flew. Both of them moved forward in their lives,unknown about what destiny had in store for them.

On a rainy evening , they bumped into each other. He, without his usual gang and She, sans her books. He stared at Her with a thousand thoughts in his mind. He felt blinded as if he was looking into a sharp yet endearing Ray of Sunshine. He had never thought She would have this impact on him. He was stumped. He had not hoped to be disarmed like this. He had not expected to be rendered speechless like this either. All of these in a matter of a split second.

She was unaware of the thoughts that raged in Him. All she could see was a tall frame that stood in front of her. Drenched and completely blocking her vision ahead. She was hesitant to look into his eyes. Scared that she might blurt out her mind. She waited and hoped for him to clear the path.

It felt like ages, to both of them. Standing in the pouring rain, face to face. It seemed as if both of them could read each other’s mind. It seemed as if they were standing with each other’s long-lost piece of soul. It was absolute attraction that was brewing between them. An attraction that had defied millions who searched for logic behind it. An attraction that had built and also equally ruined people. An attraction that no words could describe.

Rains lashed on. The night was thundery accompanied with frequent lightening.

In the momentary flash of lightening, He knelt in front of Her ,looking at Her hopefully. She gave a blank stare and blushed.

Of Unspoken Words

Her phone pinged suddenly. She, groggy from her mild stupor, took it to check what the ping was all about. It was an email. Her heart raced.

She hadn’t seen this name flash on her screen for almost two years now. Two years and a few months,to be precise. It was an email from Him. She bubbled with anger inside her. “Two years of complete silence and now He chooses to ask if everything was fine? “. She was indignant. Yet, composed and calm,she typed in a reply. A formal and crisp one, just answering His question. And there it began. One, two,… Seven emails exchanged in continuous succession. Her heart regained its normal pace but her mind was full of thoughts.  She shut down her phone and tried sleeping. Memories fleeted by her eyes.

“It was two years back that they were totally in love. Blinded, to be honest. They adored and respected each other for what they were. They cherished their bond. Or rather, she cherished it. There was not a single day when she felt grateful for what God had given her. She had made a promise never to throw it away. She never even thought of it.
And it all ended one fine afternoon. Over a phone call. This was not what she had expected Him to do. Of all the people, she never expected Him to be so cowardly and flimsy. She couldn’t bring words together to string a sentence. Silence was all that she had as a reply. Silence was all that she had as a reason for getting discarded. Life went on. She had her friends, though few, to nurse her heart. To hold her tight and say its alright. To take the liberty of abusing Him. Not once did she open her mouth to join in the fun. Not once. ”

Her eyes welled up. She swallowed her emotions. After all life has moved on a lot after that. Lots of things have changed for the good. She has changed too. She had lived up to His words. She had lived as a strong and independent woman. Just like He had wanted. She had had the maturity to take in only the best of what He had told her to be. She was proud of it. And happy too.

She had long wanted a confrontation. To ask him what exactly went wrong. For her own peace of mind. But she had always avoided it. She didn’t want to be accused of creating a scene. She despised melodrama. She now thought,”Why not? I have nothing to lose”.

She packed her bag and locked her apartment. Clearly aware of what she was going for and what the repercussions of her actions will be. For the first time, she didn’t care about what He would feel.

She set out and boarded the train. All through the journey, thinking and rethinking. Oblivious to the beauty that was moving past her outside the window. She was clearly overwhelmed. She walked to his place. With all the determination and courage she had. She didn’t want to break down in front of him. She did not want to look weak and helpless.

There she saw him. He was busy talking to someone. She didn’t get her voice to call him out. “Funny how these things fail us when we need them the most”,she thought.

She stood there, like a statue. And then it seemed that His conversation was nearing the end. Her heart started pounding again. She wanted to turn back and walk off. But, her legs failed her this time. She didn’t want to be seen by Him. But she stood on.

Then, their eyes met. Two pairs of eyes that had a beautiful bond years ago. Eyes that had spoken so many silent words with each other. Eyes that had promised to be there for each other for ever and ever.

Yes, their eyes met.